#5

Dear Frances,
Feelings have set in. I've been sitting in this disgusting, small room by myself for who knows how long. I don't think the door is locked, but I don't want to know what is outside of it, so I'm sitting on this lumpy bed crying my eyeballs out instead.
This room is filled with gross crappy junk and it smells awful. The walls are bare and moldy and I hate it.
I can't believe I didn't get to say good bye. I can't I can't I can't. He just came and made me leave. He didn't even come on the right day. What else could I expect from the harbinger of sin.
What will Barry do? He will be traumatized for life. As if he weren't already traumatized enough as it is. He will probably have nightmares for the rest of his days. He will probably cry himself to sleep every night, and cry himself awake every morning. That's if he ever sleeps again. Oh, man, Barry. He is so gentle and caring and kind. He is the kindest person I know. He will never be the same. He will probably end up in an asylum, all alone with nobody there to help him. Angela won't be much better off. She'll just try to forget about it and will estrange herself from the world, until she disappears inside the abyss that is her haunted, burdened being.
And my mom. I don't even know where she is. She didn't see me leave. I doubt she'll be able to ever ask Angela or Barry about it either. She's probably moaning on the floor somewhere in the house, being licked by our dog Chelsi. I love her so much. I will probably never, ever, see her again. I miss her so much already. I just want to run away forever and ever until I find her again and fall into her arms and cry and cry and be told that nothing's changed and that we'll be alright, we'll be ok and that I have nothing to cry about, because I'm safe and happy in her arms and safe and happy in Angela's laughter and safe and happy in Barry's kindness and safe and happy in the world with all my love surrounding me.
But that will never happen again. There is no love here. This room is filled with hate. I can feel it filling me too. I don't want it to, but how can I not? My mom is gone. My friends are gone. My whole life is gone. Satan took away all that was meaningful to me and turned it into this awful, empty room of hatred and darkness and anger and everything that is wrong with the world. I have nothing left. I have nobody. I miss them all so much. He did it to me. He did it to my mom and to Angela and to everybody. He took away my life and made me lifeless. I hate this. I HATE HIM.
I just feel so alone, Frances. How will I ever do this? I don't have enough tears. I'm so alone. I'm so, so alone. I just want it to end so bad. I just want it to end. I just want it all to go away. Someone make it go away. Just make every every thing go far away for ever.